10 Normal Things That Movies Have Made Terrifying

Here are the facts – no matter how macho or how intimidating a man is, women hold all the power and they damn well know it. We can complain and fight and be angry all we want, but who always ends up winning the argument? Women. Why? Because we’re men, it’s easier, and as long as our female counterpart is happy, we have the chance to be happy as well. Not only that, but the male gender still doesn’t understand the female sexual organ, and it remains somewhat of a mystical pleasure-giving flower we only know from the outside – Lord knows what goes on in there!

But there was never a reason to fear such a magical portal to happiness – until Teeth was released.

Yes, a movie about a woman whose vagina grows teeth and bites whatever appendage off that might be up there, removing ALL the power from men. The dominating notion of completely severing a dude’s coveted manhood through an act men already have lost control of is utterly terrifying psychologically, and not to mention physically horrific. Just the thought of someone removing my “Master And Commander” makes me want to curl up in a little ball and cry, wearing a steel-plated cup for the rest of my life. Thanks a lot for ruining one of the simplest joys in life Teeth – well, OK, not ruining, but still, don’t think in the back of my mind I’m not afraid said removal might happen one of these times…

     Tires – Rubber

Tires. Black, inanimate objects which grip the road and give our cars the power to drive down any terrain, which smell really bad when they burn. That’s it, that’s all there is to a tire. Nothing to be afraid of, right? WRONG. Just watch Rubber.

Ok, my love for Rubber is completely about the story, which is a brilliantly meta analysis of film culture as a whole, but for the purpose of this article I’ll be focusing on the aspect many viewers held too highly in their own viewing – the movie was only about a tire which rolled around and blew people’s heads up Scanners style using telekinetic powers. Yes, a tire rolls around making brain stew out of numerous victims the whole movie. There’s no rhyme, reason, or warning except for a little shake the tire does, but for the most part the killings are completely random.

I’m not going to launch into my rant about how Rubber explains why people just need to enjoy the asinine stories writers come up with and stop asking so many damn questions, I’ll spare the masses, but can’t we all agree a tire with mind powers just doesn’t sit well? I mean, one minute you could be in a junkyard, looking directly at a tire, and the next minute, your head could be in a million pieces for no good reason. I’m a normal human who likes having his head in one piece, so this reality scares the ever loving shit out of me – as it should you.

Friends Who Don’t Understand The Consequences Of Messing With The Paranormal – Take Your Pick (Paranormal Activity)

Everyone has that one friend who either doesn’t believe in ghosts or isn’t afraid of them (well, OK, maybe not everyone), always willing to taunt the unknown. Be it a Ouija board, a seance, a book of dark spells, or just a blatantly over-hetero display of hardass-ness, everyone has a Micah from Paranormal Activity in their group.

Everything in Paranormal Activity can be pointed to this idiot. He spends the film projecting negative energy which keeps the demon around, continuously filming it even though every single person surrounding him explains what a terrible idea it is, egging on the demon with the above mentioned Ouija board, and then going all Micah-berserker style and literally calling the demon out like a drunken frat bro. “COME AT ME DEMON, I AIN’T SCARED!” No, you’re right Micah, you aren’t scared at all, because you’re a dumb, dead, bastard.

I mean, OK, I’m not going to go all conspiracy theory on you and say ghosts are real, I have as much proof as any other average Joe, but I can tell you the one thing I fear the most is anything I can’t see. Ghosts fall in that classification, so I’m therefore afraid of ghosts. What if one has been watching me since birth, just waiting for the right moment to move my keys and open all my cabinets at the same time? The last thing I need is some blowhard friend of mine cracking an offensive ghost joke that sends my unbeknownst stalker into a vengeful rage. Stop being a Micah, you assholes.